Tickle Your Funny Bone - Jokes and Humor

[ACMohan]

Re: The Jokes Thread

Once a mechanic was repairing a Surgeon's car.While doing the work he asked the Surgeon

Mechanic:Both of us are doing the same job.You are performing operations on humans and me on cars.You are operating Human heart and I'm operating car's heart(engine).

Then why I'm a mechanic and you,a doctor?

The doctor: TRY TO DO IT WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING!!

Dont know whether its a joke or not.But I really enjoyed it!

 

[been there]

Re: The Jokes Thread

Actually, it's a conversation that highlights the genius of doctors. The original conversation is more like the mechanic is jealous of the doctor's prosperity and asks this question.

and as you can see, he gets a fitting answer.

 

[jayadev]

Re: The Jokes Thread

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[TSIVipul]

Re: The Jokes Thread

Here are mine..

Girl:Excuse me brother,that's my seat.
Boy:OK!But I am not your brother,my father never had affair with your mom.
Girl:True,but my father did!

Moral:Don't be oversmart.



Ek Avashyak soochna-A WARNING

If you are travelling in a bus or train or are present at any public place.If you find there a hot girl with a flower,bracelet,any thread or any other shining thing in her hand then get away from the place immediately.This dangerous thing can be a RAAKHI your one small mistake can make you the brother of that hot girl.So be careful because this carefulness will only protect you.

ISSUED IN MEN'S INTEREST.

Hindi version:-
Yadi aap bus,rail aadi mein safar kar rahe hain ya kisi public place par gaye hain.Agar aapko wahaan kisi khoobsurat ladki ke haath mein fool,dhaaga you aisi koi anya chamakdaar vastu dikhe toh wahaan se turant door ho jayein.Yeh khatarnaak vastu RAAKHI bhi ho sakti hai.Aapki ek chhoti si galti apko uss ladki ka bhai bana sakti hai.Isliye saavadhaan rahe,kyunki saavadhaani mein hi suraksha hai.

PURUSH HIT MEIN JAARI...

 

[gears1313]

Re: The Jokes Thread

A Couple went to a wishng well.

Hsbnd bent down,threw a coin n made a wish...

Wife bent down a litle more & fell into the well...


Husbnd shouted:
O Teri...
IT'S WORKING....

 

[jayadev]

Re: The Jokes Thread

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner .

 

[type-r]

Re: The Jokes Thread

1Baar Raju Ko.
Raste me EK Patthar Mila.
UspE Likha Tha.
"Patthar KO Palat Lo KCH Ban Jaoge".
Jaise Hi Raju NE Palta.
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. Dusri Taraf Likha Tha. "Bewkuf Ban Gye. ".

 

[Vishwas]

Re: The Jokes Thread

Two PJ's from my side:

A noob was driving a car, stopped at the signal and asked the police
"Sir how much do i have to pay for a right turn?"
Police:"No you dont have to pay anything,Er why are you asking this question?"
Noob:"Because the signboard says FREE LEFT
_______________________________________________________________________

A middle aged man and his old age mother boards a bus and finds a seat.
Conductor to him:"Tickets tickets,where to sir?"
The man:"Two half tickets for both of us"
Conductor in:"Gentleman, you have a mustache and you deserve an half ticket is it?"

The man:" Okay give me 1 1/2 ticket"
Conductor:"But why,your mother is also aged?"
The man:"She doesn't have mustache"

 

[AMG]

Re: The Jokes Thread

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

[type-r]

Re: The Jokes Thread

‎'Msg At a Petrol Pump: - 'Kripya yaha dhumrapan na kare, Aapki zindagi ki koi kimat ho na ho.., Petrol ki kimat Rs.71.97/litre hai..!' (Please don't smoke here, your life might not hold any value.. but petrol is at Rs.71.97/litre).'

 

[cooldhaya]

Ha ha Archit and AMG , really good ones!

 

[jalex]

Okay saw this on Facebook a few mnutes back and this is the best so far I have come across yet:



To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:



In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).


Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.


Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)



2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)


8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

 

[type-r]

here are some images you guys can giggle on!

 

[mastersquall]

epic can't stop laughing

 

[jayadev]

Jalex , that was such an incredible one..!! thanks.

type-r, piracy is the way.!!!
ROFL.