Found on the internet.
Tickle Your Funny Bone - Jokes and Humor
- Thread Starter Auto Hub India
- Start date
How's this? This is only applicable for spiderman and not for human beings.
Excuse me if this has been already posted..
She : Am I looking fat?
He : Yes
She : Shut up. Don't you ever dare talk to me!!
She : Am I looking fat?
He : No
She : Liar
She : Am I looking fat?
He : Maybe
She : can u ever b decisive
She : Am I looking fat?
He : I don't know
She : Are you blind?
She : Am I looking fat?
He : Depends
She : Oh you comparing me with some one else..
She : Am I looking fat?
He : *silence*
She : Are you deaf?
There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.
For everything else there is Google ...![[:)]](https://www.theautomotiveindia.com/forums/images/smilies/Smile.gif "Smile [:)]")
##################
Here is one I found in facebook.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
She : Am I looking fat?
He : Yes
She : Shut up. Don't you ever dare talk to me!!
She : Am I looking fat?
He : No
She : Liar
She : Am I looking fat?
He : Maybe
She : can u ever b decisive
She : Am I looking fat?
He : I don't know
She : Are you blind?
She : Am I looking fat?
He : Depends
She : Oh you comparing me with some one else..
She : Am I looking fat?
He : *silence*
She : Are you deaf?
There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.
For everything else there is Google ...
##################
Here is one I found in facebook.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
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![[clown]](https://www.theautomotiveindia.com/forums/images/smilies/Clown.gif "Clown [clown]")
No, 9, 15, 16 are simply superb.![[lol]](https://www.theautomotiveindia.com/forums/images/smilies/Laugh.gif "Laugh [lol]")
And No 1 is most practical to do.
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Female riders.
Mefeels women must be getting their driving /riding lessons from pilots , whenever they feel like applying brakes to their scooty,,, their legs come tout & down before the brake lever is pulled , just like aeroplane wheels come out & down prior to landing.
***************************
There is a woman behind every successful man & if there are many, then the man's story is broadcasted. on ' crime patrol' on news channels.
Mefeels women must be getting their driving /riding lessons from pilots , whenever they feel like applying brakes to their scooty,,, their legs come tout & down before the brake lever is pulled , just like aeroplane wheels come out & down prior to landing.
***************************
There is a woman behind every successful man & if there are many, then the man's story is broadcasted. on ' crime patrol' on news channels.
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When wife laughs on joke told by the hubby, you can draw a conclusion that there are some guests inside that house.
The person must be loosing faith in the word 'happiness' whose wife's name is 'Khushi(happiness) '!!!
**************
Secretary : Sir, why your wife always give me angry looks.?
Boss : Because, before you joined here, she was my secretary.
*******
Hubby and wife dies in an accident.
After death, hubby becomes ghost, & wife becomes witch and start roaming around the universe independently.
.
.
. One day they happen to see each other.
Wife : OMG,! you have changes so much, and looking so strange!
Hubby : but, you haven't changed at all, looking exactly same, same to same.
**************
Secretary : Sir, why your wife always give me angry looks.?
Boss : Because, before you joined here, she was my secretary.
*******
Hubby and wife dies in an accident.
After death, hubby becomes ghost, & wife becomes witch and start roaming around the universe independently.
.
.
. One day they happen to see each other.
Wife : OMG,! you have changes so much, and looking so strange!
Hubby : but, you haven't changed at all, looking exactly same, same to same.
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This cannot be just taken as a joke. I actually saw a lady rider falling down from her Activa. That happened only due to this bad habit and carelessness. The women who are riding should take care of this, or else it would come to a sticky end.
Harikrishnan
Harikrishnan
Sir, Are you pointing fingers towards me. ![[cry]](https://www.theautomotiveindia.com/forums/images/smilies/Cry.gif "Cry [cry]")
Its not me who teaches them. I am not so fortunate. ![[frustration]](https://www.theautomotiveindia.com/forums/images/smilies/Frustration.gif "Frustration [frustration]")
Its not me who teaches them. I am not so fortunate. Some Pickup Lines from today TOI.
Boy : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
Girl : Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy : I know how to please a women.
Girl : Then please leave me along.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Girl : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy : I can tell that you want me.
Girl : Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Girl : Okay, Get out.
Boy : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
Girl : Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy : I know how to please a women.
Girl : Then please leave me along.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Girl : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy : I can tell that you want me.
Girl : Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Girl : Okay, Get out.
Sir, Are you pointing fingers towards me. Its not me who teaches them. I am not so fortunate.
Its not me who teaches them. I am not so fortunate.
I was pointing towards you only, they might be learning it in Eklavya style, by watching your plane landing or taking off!!!
Excuse me if some thing is repeated.....
Wife : Shall I prepare Sambhar or Rasam today . Husband : First make it, we will name it later
------------------------------------------------
A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away.
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.., Its been years now, ----------
just reminding u......
--------------------------------------------------------
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??
Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there !
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: Honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic , fell into a river , and all of them died .
Each husband cried for a week , but
One husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked wether he missed his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No
My wife missed the bus !!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If Flipkart starts matrimonial services, they will become the No.1 site in the world because they have a 30 day return policy no questions asked
Wife : Shall I prepare Sambhar or Rasam today . Husband : First make it, we will name it later
------------------------------------------------
A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away.
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.., Its been years now, ----------
just reminding u......
--------------------------------------------------------
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??
Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there !
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: Honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic , fell into a river , and all of them died .
Each husband cried for a week , but
One husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked wether he missed his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No
My wife missed the bus !!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If Flipkart starts matrimonial services, they will become the No.1 site in the world because they have a 30 day return policy no questions asked
Amazon does the same thing for lesser fuss 
When girls get drenched with sweat, they look more gorgeous.
.
.
.
.
. If boys get drenched in sweat, they would look like construction labourers.
.
.
.
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. If boys get drenched in sweat, they would look like construction labourers.
Son in law was complaining about his wife to the FIL.
FIL got emotional & put his hand on the shoulder of SIL & said, "see, I have whole roll of the fabric of which you have got just a piece, so I know all the +ves & - ves, when does the threads get loosened, change colour etc..
You can atleast complain to me, I don't even have that privilege because the mill from where I received this roll, got 'locked out' 50 years back, I have full sympathy for you, but this is what marital life is all about ".
FIL got emotional & put his hand on the shoulder of SIL & said, "see, I have whole roll of the fabric of which you have got just a piece, so I know all the +ves & - ves, when does the threads get loosened, change colour etc..
You can atleast complain to me, I don't even have that privilege because the mill from where I received this roll, got 'locked out' 50 years back, I have full sympathy for you, but this is what marital life is all about ".