A Rolls Royce pulls up next to a Skoda in a Motorway Service Area. As the drivers get out the Roller driver brags, "I have a Rolls, the best car in the world, and you have just a Skoda". "Ah, but", replies the Skoda owner, "my car has a few optional extras - I have had the seats converted so that they fold into a double bed at the flick of a switch, I have a Colour TV and Video, I have Sky TV and a telephone, and finally a fully functional cocktail cabinet built into the glove compartment". The Roller driver storms off, he cannot cope with being beaten by a SKODA! He goes straight to the Rolls Royce garage and orders all the above to be fitted immediately. 2 weeks later he is driving along and sees the same Skoda parked on the motorway hard shoulder and notices all the windows steamed up. He immediately dials up the Skoda on his in car phone. On answering he says "Hi, remember me? I've had all the extras fitted to my car, I now have a Rolls Royce with Colour TV, Satellite, Phone, Double bed, and of course the cocktail cabinet". "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE BATH JUST TO TELL ME THIS!!!!!!!" replies the Skoda driver !
4) What to do about Cars Speeding in Villages?
The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. - It had no effect.
At the next meeting the decided to play on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play. The result was no discernable reduction in traffic speed.
Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Nudist Colony. - As a result of the Nudist Colony notice, white vans and lorries crawl thought the village.
5) Here are a selection of strange but true stories from people filling in their insurance claims.
Funny car jokes and one-liners sent in by Alan Turnham
To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car
A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
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A Letter from Grandma
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
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How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.
![[lol]](https://www.theautomotiveindia.com/forums/images/smilies/Laugh.gif "Laugh [lol]")
I came across some car jokes and thought I might start a thread on it! I intend no offence to any one's rides.
![[:D]](https://www.theautomotiveindia.com/forums/images/smilies/Big%20Smile.gif "Big Smile [:D]")
![ilango[speed thirst]](/forums/data/avatars/m/0/80.jpg?1543402189){kind=avatar}
